My first job in a bike shop involved a decently long commute. In the mornings I was always in a hurry but on the way home I’d cruise my bike along Glover Rd from downtown Langley to the Albion Ferry and then up River Rd and through the then sleepy back streets of Maple Ridge. 

My mind would wander and I’d pass the time by re-stylizing my day’s interactions, particularly the stressful ones, as I’d pedal along. It’s a habit that’s followed me since, changing the language around and adding rhymes without effecting the context or outcomes of the dialogue. If you’ve ever seen me in a shop talking to myself there’s a good chance I was sounding out a rhyme or counting syllables. 

I’m planning on ‘Stylized On A True Story’ becoming a regular feature on MEATengines. Here’s one from way back when SuspensionWerx was based out of James’ garage and the team consisted of Pope Jimmy, Mandrew (that’s me), and D’Nutz The Friday Guy. 

Customer: “Excuse me, I live nearby and have this front shock you see. I’m afraid that it’s gone rather limp, can you add some air for me?”

Mandrew: “Most likely, can you bring it in and I will have a look? If all it needs is a bit of air then you don’t need to book.”

C: “Splendid, I will come right back. I am really awful thrilled, you see I bought a special pump but my shock cannot be filled!”

M: “Oh‽  You have a shock pump and you find it won’t thread on? Your fork must be quite old, from some year bygone?”

C: “Oh yes that’s absolutely true, you’ll know it when you see? I bought my Rocky Mountain back in nineteen ninety-three!”

M: “Nineteen ninety-three you say? I’m sorry for the sigh. It’s just that we can’t help you and I hate to be that guy.”

C: “Oh? You do not service these? Some bike shops said you might. It simply won’t hold air you see, and the bolts are rusted tight.”

C: “Also it leaked oil… for a while but then stopped; the paint has started flacking at a dent where it was dropped.” 

C: “And, there’s a little crack. It’s really very small. It’s right near where the brake mounts and I’m sure that this is all.”

M: “Dear sir, what I would recommend is a fresh new rigid fork. Any of our partner shops can help you find the sort.”

C: “I do not want a rigid one. This is a MOUNTAIN BIKE. If it doesn’t have suspension then it will not look right!”

C: “And every shop I took it to has told me it is f***ed! And now the so-called experts say that I am out of luck!!!”

M: “I am not exactly certain what it is that I should say, but if you tell me what you need it for I’ll try to fix the day.”

C: “I want to ride tomorrow with a buddy from the states. It’s the first time in a decade that I’ve had a mountain biking date!”

M: “Ah, I think I understand and I’ll call our Uncle Lou. Hopefully, Obsession: Bikes has a rig to rent to you.”

M: “And if you have a wicked time, which I’m sure that you will. They’ll take the rental cost off of your new bike purchase bill.”

M: “And ask about a rigid to replace that beat Mag 21. As a beer-fetching road commuter, your Rocky will still be fun.”

C: “I think that I will like this plan; I’m no longer feeling sick. You see tomorrow we’re planning for a ride down Severed Dick.”