The latest and greatest {future} hit by my {future} bicycle-themed The Dead Milkmen tribute band, The No Ball Ends. Have you ever stopped on the side of the trail, randomly picked up a mandatory bicycle fixture, and thought to yourself something like ‘How the duck did this quacker fly anywhere without this bolt?’ Well, queue up the music to Do the Brown Nose, scroll down, and sing along.
{Photos: MEATengines}
Good evening all you mountain bikers
And welcome to the MEATengines technical help tunes
We are ‘Mean Guy’ Mandrew and The No Ball Ends
My name is ‘Mean Guy’ Mandrew, and these fine riders all around me
Well, they’re The No Ball Ends
And we hail proudly from North Vancouver, BC
Now, in the Pacific South-West, whenever we needs a little mountain bikin’
We like to do a little thing we call the bolt check
And we’d like all you fine mountain bike riding types here tonight
To help us out in doin’ the bolt check
So remember: when I shout “What you gonna do?”
You’re gonna shouts back “Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check”
Think you can handle that? {crowd: ya!}
I’m doubtful that you can; let’s give it a try
What you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Oh, my gentle off-road souls, you should all be round up and flogged
That was terrible {crowd: moans}
What you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Yes! Yes! That’s so much better
You have my approbation to go out and single-speed {crowd: light cheering}
You’re lovely human beings
So now we’re gonna do a little bolt checkin’ for ya
Are you excited? {crowd: cheering}
Are you ready?
Okay then, here we go!
When you want to ride, I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Bolt-checked yesterday? I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
You adjusted your stem, I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Favourite bike shop just wrenched the full plan, I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Mercy!
I backpedal and spin out 300 times
Alright!
Now I know many of you fine bicycle riding types
Have begun to ask yourself
Ooh, but ‘Mean Guy’ Drew and The No Ball Ends
How do we do this wild new thing you call the bolt check?
Well take a second, prepare yourself mentally and physically
We’ll show you how to bolt check
Bend your (bend yo’) knees (ooh LaLaLa…)
Now move your hand like this (ooh LaLaLa…)
Prep your hex keys (ooh LaLaLa…)
Toss all your ball ends (ooh…)
Torque my…
Ridin’ from your home, I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Shreddin’ on some loam, I say now what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
Stephen Seagull says “It’s really called duff,” I say what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
There was a creakin’ on your last ride, I say what you gonna do?
{Gonna Bolt Check. Gonna Bolt Check}
You! Yes you! Take some time; donate to your local trail org. {Ok}
Gonna Bolt Check!
I wanna see every last one of you bolt checkin’
Even you murder fists
Alright! If you can dig it I wanna hear you shout
No ball-end hex keys
{No Ball-End Hex Keys}
Alright, I know you loved it the first time
You gonna love it even more the second time
As once more, we prepare to get down
And do some serious big-time bolt checkin’
Bend your (bend yo’) knees (ooh LaLaLa…)
Now move your hand like this (ooh LaLaLa…)
Prep your hex keys (ooh LaLaLa…)
Toss all your ball ends (ooh…)
Torque my… (YA!)
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