[Sing] “Love, it’s like a trailer park: ugly but functional, the rent is cheap enough” [/Sing] It Happens In Florida | By: The Burning Hell

I love this Park Tool TL-5 steel tire lever. I bought it for 50%-off in the winter clearout bin at Black Dog Bikes in Coquitlam. I’m pretty sure I was still a teenager. Since then I’ve used it regularly for an endless assortment of tasks like opening cans of paint, and removing and *cough* installing *cough* crown races, and popping out fork seals, and one time I threw it at a raccoon; in self-defense. 

Oh, I’ve also occasionally used it as a tire lever. 

Technically it has a twin. They came as a pair. They are both lightly damaged in very different but discernable ways. Occasionally I’ll realize that I’m using A not B or vice versa but I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen both of them at the same time despite the tiny zoo they live in. It’s like Ladyhawke. 

[Sing] “Love, it’s like an interstate: it gets you from place to place, but it’s littered with dead raccoons” [/Sing] It Happens In Florida | By: The Burning Hell

I love this OLFA utility knife. And all the ones that came before it. And all the ones that will replace it in the future. It cuts all the zip ties. It cuts other things too. Like tape. And cardboard. It cost $9. It’s made in Japan. I have a package of replacement blades that I bought with one of its predecessors. I always seem to ‘misplace’ the knives themselves before I need to replace the blades. Maybe the raccoon steals them?  

I’m completely convinced that every other utility knife is absolute crap. That’s right, if your utility knife doesn’t say OLFA then you wasted your money. Yes, even if it “cuts stuff just fine.” I just realized I have more brand loyalty towards a f***ing snap-off-blade-knife than any other product or company in the world. I’m okay with it. Love. 

[Sing] “Love, it’s like a marmoset: it may be small and cute, but sometimes it eats its young” [/Sing] It Happens In Florida | By: The Burning Hell

I love this chain whip. The first product that Wheels Manufacturing ever made was a chain whip like this one. The company was started out of a Colorado bike shop in 1988 because: cassette hubs. I have two. One for 1/8″ chains and one for 3/32″ chains. They don’t make them anymore. Maybe it’s because the tools last forever – with the occasional chain replacement. Maybe there’s more cash money in selling derailleur hangers. Maybe there are a thousand cheap options on the market and no one was buying them. Maybe whoever owns Wheels now is a lame ass. Maybe all those reasons. 

It’s got a handy hole for hanging it but I keep mine in a drawer. Snug on a nice rubber liner. Because I love it. It would be a much better choice for defense against raccoons than a tire lever. 

I love this cassette tool. Abbey Tools still makes the Crombie Tool for cassette removal. They make a bunch of versions but mine is just a basic single-headed one for ShRAMano because: mountain biking. I bought it out of solidarity. Jeff Crombie, who the tool is named after, is a retail survivor who used to run the Different Bikes shop in West Vancouver. And he had a cool idea, and now there’s a pretty awesome tool named after him. 

It duplicated something I already owned – a wrench and a cassette tool – which (the wrench at least) was exceptionally more multi-useful and probably better for raccoon defense. Given its heft. And actually, I still have the wrench. And I still have the cassette tool. So this tool didn’t actually replace a damn thing. But I do always reach for the Crombie because it is very nice to use.  

Also, if my friend Jimmy sees this he’ll probably text me photos of same-same-but-(not-really)-different tools that pre-dated it but c’mon Jimmy, this is about the Crombie. It’s much nicer. It gives me hope that someday a person with talent will turn one of my crazy tool ideas into a mundane, beautifully manufactured, much loved, single-purpose – dual purpose if you like Center Lock rotors, but really? – bicycle tool named after me. 

Love, it’s like a mundane bicycle tool… and I had something for this.