For immediate release: May 17th, 2021 – Pedal A Bit
It’s 2021 and Niner Bicycles recognizes that in this pandemic-driven cycling boom many riders – fresh newbies and veterans alike – are fatigued by outmoded, elitist attitudes that mountain biking is supposed to be a challenging activity that requires an input of time and effort to achieve and maintain competency.
We #ninerds are experts at taking the easy way out, whether it’s patenting Balfa’s suspension design, selling our company to the official providers of the infamous #HuffyToss, or building an entire marketing campaign around the fact that there’s a letter ‘e’ in our brand name. We want you to be confident that when you buy a Niner e~bike you’re helping us “to punch your ticket” on “the rowdiest terrain.”
We used to yell “Pedal Damn It!” as you charged the steepest climbs. Now we politely suggest you “Pedal A Bit” as you charge your new Bosch-powered e~mountain bicycle.
Turning over every rock in pursuit of performance, we adjusted the leverage ratio, shock length, stroke, orientation, and mounting location, until all of our mountain bikes looked like Pivot 429’s that had been partially crushed in a hydraulic press. We probably could have made our e~bikes look as sleek as our competitors but, as with all our bikes, “there was nothing holding [us] back other than [our] imagination.”
There are more juicy – and totally real – quotes to be had where we put the e~ in Niner!
The team here at Bicycle Enquirer reached out to other major players in the motorized-bicycle wars for feedback on Niner’s efforts to position their “uniquely #ninerd brand of freedom, fun, and adventure.”
When asked about Niner’s new program, frequent sound-biter Timothy, in shipping, at Specialized (award-aspiring author of ‘104 Ways To Market Your Wind Tunnel’ and ‘Releasing New E~Bikes – How To Devalue Current Dealer Inventory Six-Months Before The New-New Will Ship’) noted that “unlike these Niners, Specialized e~bikes don’t look like designs that even Norco rejected as too ugly to love” and f***-it, he’s 100% right.
Rocky Mountain’s spokesperson in North Vancouver noticed the mention of Balfa and started hurling pre-bagged dog sh*t – which is readily available in abundance everywhere in North Vancouver – as our unfortunate representative ran for cover. Later the brand’s North Vancouver office released an official statement which was, in turn, disavowed by the brand’s Quebec office a full three minutes and forty-two seconds later.
Trek Bikes, of Waterloo Wisconsin, noted that anyone reporting that their new road racing bike model the ‘Paul Newman’ has any relation to real persons alive or dead is a cool hand who’s got a failure to communicate. And, also, that their e~bike branding features a snappy video by the same folks that brought you “Ferda Girls” and really, who can argue with that?!